Sunday, February 26, 2006

Just Friends?

I spoke to ‘Left Behind’ earlier this week. Twice. I’m visiting my former home in the midwest in a few weeks and we were discussing my upcoming trip. I call him ‘Left Behind’ because he is, in fact, the guy I left behind when I returned to the East Coast to go back to school and continue my quarter life crisis among family and friends. We decided not to do the long distance thing (actually, he decided) and remain friends. When a guy I’ve been involved with tells me that he wants to ‘be friends’ I interpret that to mean that I’ll never see him again. Not so with Left Behind. I’ve remained in contact with him since I’ve been out here – we’ve exchanged dating war stories, he’s been here to visit and I’ve been there to visit him. He always leaves me thinking ‘what could've been’ if I remained in the Midwest.

With my next trip, I’m staying with a good friend and not him. My friend is a serious planner and she has a list of things for us to do while I’m up there. Left Behind was invited as well, but he more or less just wants to hang out with me. I don’t even know if I want to be alone with Left Behind. I don't know if I still have feelings for him, if he has feelings for me or what. I don’t want to fall into the pattern that we once did -- of getting emotional and me having to get on a plane, not knowing when I’d see him again.

I'd be lying if I said I don't want to see him again. A part of me needs to see him, needs to know if there are any feelings still lingering. But another side of me says that I need to leave the past in the past and move forward. I wish it were that simple. Somebody once asked me what I liked about Left Behind and I couldn't put my finger on it. Now I know. He makes me laugh. I'm used to being the humorous one, but this guy makes me laugh so hard that my face hurts. I never knew what an important quality that was until I met him. So I'll have to add 'sense of humor' to my long list of requirements for a potential mate. As for what happens in March ... I'm praying for strength.
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