Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Comments & Observations

Because I'm nosey, I overhear several interesting conversations while I'm out and about. Here are a few that I've heard, or participated in, within the last two weeks. My imagined response is in italics.

Reasons why I'll never shop at Books-A-Million again:
Customer: Do you sell The New Yorker?
Bookseller: Um … what’s that?
Customer: It’s a magazine. It’s pretty big time.
Bookseller: The name sounds familiar ….
Customer: (shaking head) Never mind.

Bookseller: (on the phone) It's perfectly simple, ma'am. If I was writing a story about my own life, it would be an autobiography. If you were writing about me, it would be a biography.

Reasons why my coworkers are scared of me:
We're talking about how Dick 'I Shot Ya' Cheney decided to hunt senior citizens recently:
Colleague 1: Why'd he wait so long to call the police? I'd call someone immediately if I shot one of my friends.
Colleague 2: Me too. Especially if it were accidental.
Me: I'd muffle my voice on the 911 call, toss the body in the river and tell the cops that my friend is missing.
Colleague 2: Um….we’re scared now.
Me: (with sinister laughter) And you should be.

Reasons why you shouldn't discuss your health problems in class:
Classmate 1: I thought I'd miss class today. I had to go to the hospital last night.
Classmate 2: Really? Are you alright?
Classmate 1: Yeah. I was in an accident last year and I've been having so many problems because of it. Like, I've been on my menstrual cycle since November.
Me: (horrified) A three-month period is never good. You need Jesus. Literally.

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