I once heard an old saying that said that two people that have similar personalities will never get along. I'm not exactly sure of the saying,but that was the gist of it. That being said, it’s time for me to talk about Tragic Sneeze, who has a lot in common with me.
Before I begin, I should at least say how she got her nickname. I’ll start with Tragic – that stems from the fact that her eyes are always watery, to the point that they look like she’s going to cry. Her home life is pitiful as well. She gets excited about things like the spelling bee and dog shows. I saw her one day and she had a bandage on her nose. When I asked her how she got it, she said her cat bit her. Then she goes on to tell me how he didn’t mean it… that it was her fault … yada yada yada. Oh, and her boyfriend wear's women’s underwear. ‘Nuff said. I call her Sneeze because she sneezes constantly and it erupts through the entire building. I consider these eruptions just her effort to get attention, so I don’t bless her. That’s a real testament of rebellion on my part. Anywho, here are the things I’ve noticed about Tragic Sneeze and myself:
· It used to bother me that the title, ‘The Practice’, had an extra space on it on the end credits. Every Sunday when the show went off, I would shriek at the TV. I told all my friends, but no one seemed to care. Whatever. I reserve the right to be anal. Fast forward last year. A bunch of us were at lunch discussing new movies that were coming out. Tragic had a big problem with ‘The 40 year-old virgin’ because they didn’t use the hyphens properly. As it is, the title makes it seem like the movie would be about 40 virgins that are a year old. It’s proper title should be ‘The 40-year-old virgin.’ She repeated this every time a conversation came up about the movie. It grated on my nerves. Needless to say, I was very glad when the movie went to video and out of my life. She’s the reason I haven’t seen it.
· We circulate a ‘quotable log’ each month. It’s filled with random funny things we’ve said at work without even realizing it. Someone will write it down and give it to the secretary, who compiles it into a list. The only rule is that you can’t quote yourself. The person who has submitted the most quotes gets some kind of prize. Usually, that award would go to me because…. Well, I’m nosey. I had some humdingers in there. I once overheard my boss tell someone else that Terry McMillan and the former first lady of New Jersey should have a drink together sometime and compare notes. I got several others, but that was by far my best catch. But now Tragic is becoming a serious challenger. She’s submitting just as many quotes as I am. In my honest opinion, hers aren’t as funny as mine, but I’m biased. She won a box of chocolates last month and offered me some as consolation prize. I shouldn’t have taken any, but I grabbed a handful. It’s the principle of the thing. I hope she doesn’t expect the same courtesy when I win.
· At my last job, my friends often sent me hilarious forwards that would make me laugh out loud. And I did just that. It became common place for me to just burst into laughter at least once a day. My colleagues got used to it. Since I’ve been here for two years, I’ve had to listen to Tragic explode with laughter constantly. I never know what it’s from – because I never ask – but whatever it is, she gets it at least twice a day. Once in the morning and once in the afternoon.
· There’s the ice in the parking lot scenario. No need to rehash that. (Btw, she did come to work the next day.)
· When I first met Tragic, she told me about how she was going through a break up a while back and had to come to work. She spent most of the day crying at the office. She wound up bursting in tears while she was making a work-related call. She said something like ‘make him come back,’ to the client. *sigh * I though that was the most pathetic thing I ever heard. Until last year. I was going through a breakup that was much more emotional than I thought. It caused me to cry myself to sleep the night before and come to work with dry, red eyes and a headache. I cried several times at work, but I was able to limit all my tears to the bathroom stall. During one of my races to the bathroom, I nearly collided with Tragic. Seemed like poetic justice.
That about sums it up. There are a few more instances where Tragic and I seem too much alike for words, but would that would take up too much time to jot down. I wonder what it means to meet your inner twin and find out she drives you insane. What does that say about my opinion of myself? And if Tragic drives me so crazy, I wonder how much my antics affect my friends and family. Ah well. They should be used to it by now.