Friday, May 19, 2006
All I really need to know, I learned in my workplace bathroom
1. Hygiene is important. Not only should you wash your hands, but use paper towels on the door, faucets and any other place that your colleagues may have touched. That person letting rocks in the nearby stall likely will be the one to leave the toilet without soap or water and head straight to the cafeteria.
2. Sharing is always the right policy. The woman you give a tampon to today will be the same one who offers spare change at the vending machine or gossip at the water cooler. It's all about karma.
3. Guard your privacy. Never answer your cell phone in the bathroom. Everyone knows about the HR lady's custody battle because of those loud conversations she has with her lawyer while tinkling in the privacy of her stall.
4. Play the field. Sure, that stall closest to the door may be your favorite. But on those days that it's out of toilet paper or subject to fecal vandalism, you may want to travel down a door or two. Variety never killed anyone.
5. Always carry a spare pair of shoes. If you are going to do something truly foul in the bathroom, go ahead. Don't wait for the bathroom to be vacant. Let it out fully. Don't exit the stall until everyone leaves the bathroom. Once you get out, change your shoes. That way no one will be able to match you and your new shoes with the bowel bandit in stall #5
6. Read the writing on the walls. That guy in accounting could have gotten your phone number if you hadn't read that small note about him near the paper towel dispenser. Thankfully, now you know that 'Johnny' likes to get it up the a**
8. Don't tattle tale. You know the redhead wearing the tan pumps whose been crying in stall #3 for the last two hours. You may even know why she's crying. But does everyone on your floor need to know? Nope. Keep it to yourself ... and maybe a few close girlfriends who don't work with you.
9. Drink 8 glasses of water a day, but be near a bathroom when you do it.
10. Don't eat the cafeteria pudding. 'Nuff said.