Monday, October 29, 2007

The Birds & The Bees & Thank God for Jill Scott

Recently, I was reminded yet again about how difficult it is to talk about sex with a parent. I learned about sex at a very young age, thanks to Mama. She had me when she was young and to prevent me from doing the same thing, Mama made sure I knew exactly where babies came from. Because of these conversations, videos, and books, I was the girl in kindergarten who knew that it took more than birds and bees to make a baby. By second grade, I knew about abortion and third grade it was birth control.

All this sex education didn’t give me any time to ask questions on my own and I got through adolescence avoiding Mama’s worse fear – teenage pregnancy. Now that I am a full-fledged adult, I’d like to think (or hope) these conversations about sex with Mama would stop. Every now and again, she’ll scream to me about how I should be careful and not become an unwed mother. Other times, her messages are more subtle, like this conversation I’m about to describe.

I went to pick up Mama from her hair appointment. Normally, this is a hilarious thing, especially since the hairdresser is my Crazy Aunt. They like to pick on me and I can take it, most of the time. This time, I was grateful for two things: 1. that the shop was empty aside from us and 2. that I had my iPod with me.

Mama: Strength, your stepfather wants to know what kind of birth control you’re using.
Me: Wha-What? Why does he want to know?
Mama: We were watching the news and they mentioned all the side effects that this one form of birth control causes. All of a sudden, he was like, ‘Strength’s not on that, is she?’
Me: *sigh*
Mama: I told him that I had no clue what kind of birth control you were on. Heck, I don’t even know if you’re on birth control.
Me: I wish ya'll would just stay away from my ovaries.
Mama: I’m just saying. We’re looking out for you! It’s not like you tell me anything. What about you, Crazy Aunt? Do you know what form of birth control my daughter is using?

(At this point, I put on the iPod and turn to Jill Scott’s song, ‘Celibacy Blues’)

Crazy Aunt: I have no clue.
Mama: Knowing her, she’s probably got an IUD. Maybe that’s why she’s so evil all the time.
Crazy Aunt: Believe me, that’s not why she’s evil.

This here celibacy thing/ Lawd, just got something over me / Like an addict, I could really use a thing ...

Mama: (smiling) Really! Why don’t you tell me why she’s evil. I'd like to know.
Crazy Aunt: Oh, you know why. Don’t make me spell it out for you. When’s the last time this girl got some?
Mama: Hmmm. There was that one stupid guy she bought around. What was his name …

I'm trying to clear my mind / But all I seem to find / Is this gangsta, gangsta type of need

Crazy Aunt: But that was a looooooooooong time ago. Surely this girl has gotten her nails polished since then!
Mama: I dunno. That’s why I’m asking you.
Crazy Aunt: Well, she does make those trips out of town and you know it’s not just to see friends. You know how she likes to go to the Midwest.
Mama: Oh yeah! I forgot about that fool.

People say mind over matter / But I don’t mind what they say / And it don’t matter

Crazy Aunt: I didn’t. She’s still about due for a tune up, if you ask me.
Mama: Don’t say that! You know I don’t condone that kind of behavior.
Crazy Aunt: Whatever.
Mama: I just need to make sure she’s safe. And …
Crazy Aunt: We know! You’re not ready to be a grandmother.
Mama: Thank you.

This here celibacy thing / Is working on me …


Juicy77 said...

Awww, I'm sorry friend. I shouldn't even be laughing at this considering things my parents and fam have said to and about me. You're better than me though. I would have either screamed on them or stormed outside. drama drama

Camille said...

LMAO! That's a trip. Reminds me of my grandmother, who was on the flip side and wanted me to have some 'cute grandbabies' for her ASAP. Didn't matter if it was with my man, the postman or somebody else's man. But you handled that one well. Thank God for Ipods.

MsPuddin said...

I like the lyrics entwined w this post…lol true true…

My mom and me are open about sex too. Funny, I never got the “where babies come from” speech though…


World of Isaac said...

one of the funniest things Ive read in awhile

eclat said...

LOL @ staying away from your ovaries...and egads, first Angie Stone, now Jill Scott is rocking the straight locks as well?? I'm not embracing this look on her, I refuse.


Nicole said...

Too funny! My mother's decided that my ovaries are completely her business now that I'm over 30. She wants a grandchild so badly that she offered to pay for artificial insemination.

Muze said...

LOL. this is too funny.

my mom was TOO open with me about sex.

..and you've been tagged lady. stop by my blog and get the details. ...o you could just stop by my blog. lol.

Tha L said...

Aww hell naw. Momz and Auntie are doin' a little too much. I think I would'a just walked out and let mom hitch hike to the house. LMAO!

Afrodite said...

Dead @ "What about you, Crazy Aunt?" Lol, I think that made my day!