Sunday, May 20, 2007

Lt. Mayonnaise

About a year ago, I was forced to sit behind a guy I couldn't stand at work. For the most part, he was quiet. But when he did open his mouth, he was loud and obnoxious, often saying offensive things to the people who sat around us. He was also a big flirt. I'll never forget the day he asked an old woman in our department if she'd ever been spanked. I assumed she'd get offended, but she blushed and giggled as she walked away. That was the effect Dice had on everyone. He was the guy that you either loved to hate or hated to love.

Eventually, Dice (nicknamed after Andrew "Dice" Clay) became my sidekick. He was the only other person of color in our office so we became each other's 'go-to' person. He showed me around the city I worked in the way no one else did. Dice hipped me to Simmy's, a spot where I could get everything from chitterlings to moo goo gai pan. We made frequent runs to the dollar store and I allowed him to hide his goodies in the bottom drawer of my desk. He told me the true meaning of the word "skank" ('a skank is a broad who hooks up with all your friends, but won't give you the time of day') and I helped him clean up his language when referring from women. I got him to go from skank to broad and finally to chick. Unfortunately, that was as far as I could get him to go.

Dice lived a mysterious life so we were all caught by surprise when he quit and said he needed to go "find himself." He said his goodbyes, piled into his truck and drove off to some distant land. A woman was hired to take his place. Although she was very nice, I missed having someone who understood what CP Time meant and could accompany me to Simmy's.

Eventually, Dice returned to tell us of his adventures. He had been in Officer Candidates School and was now a lieutenant. Everyone congratulated him and then the 'An Officer & a Gentleman' jokes started. Someone even nicknamed him Lt. Mayonnaise after Richard Gere's character.

I talked to Dice about a week ago when he gave me the news: He's going to Iraq. He's set to leave sometime in June and he wasn't sure how long he would be over there. He sounded upbeat, about as upbeat as you can sound about a war. I told him I'd keep him in my prayers and made him promise to send me his information once he got settled. (Already at work, plans are underway to send him care packages). I also made him make an even more important promise. When Dice returns, he'll have to come to our office in full uniform. When he finds me, he'll pick me up and we'll march outside like Debra Winger and Richard Gere. Unlike the movie, I'll have to go back inside to work. And he'll have to run around town chasing "skanks."


Juicy77 said...


Tha L said...

Wow, always sad to see another person heading over to participate in this what you can to support him while he's away. Positive thoughts lead to positive results! :-)

Mlle Smith said...

I don't mean to sound morbid, but I want to just say this as a veteran...the best care package is a bullet-proof vest. This is not standard issue for all servicemen, most are without them, and we've had to rely on family members and friends to chip in and buy them and send them in the mail.

I love the cards and cookies and all...but I'd most appreciate a bullet-proof vest to save my life, if ever needed. You can ask him what they gave him...they'll obviously issue the standard kevlar and flak vest. But, neither of those provide any protection for bullets...only for grenade shrapnel.

I know it sounds morbid, but it can also save his life. My old buddy from bootcamp bought his own, but many of them don't because of a lack of money or lack of information on where to get them, etc...

I will keep your friend in my prayers...this was a really heartfelt post.

Strength/Courage/Wisdom said...

thanks ya'll. good point, mlle. smith. i'll definitely look into that.

MotownRunnerGirl said...

great story but sad to see him go to iraq. ugh.
speaking of, what did you think of the rosie-elisabeth argument?

MotownRunnerGirl said... did you put your avatar on here? i have one and i want to put it on my blog but don't know how!

Strength/Courage/Wisdom said...

Motown: I loathe The View. I saw a clip of them arguing and I could care less. Elizabeth's a bit conservative for my taste and Rosie just makes me ill. They should just cancel the show and call it a day. The only thing I liked about that show was Lisa Ling and now she's moved on better things. Smart woman!