Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Introducing the TomKitten
Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning and learned that Katie Holmes had given birth. She and Tom Cruise are now the proud parents of (I'm assuming) a beautiful little girl named Suri. The nerve of all those people who thought she wasn't really pregnant (whatever, that stomach was so fake) and those who thought ol' Tommy Boy was sterile (there's no way viable sperm could survive in Tom's tight jeans, just ask Nicole). I guess TomKat showed them!
The interesting thing I found was that Tom's nemesis Brooke Shields gave birth to her daughter, Grier, in the same hospital, the same day. So many thoughts run through my mind. Could Brooke and Katie hear each other's screams while in labor? Oh wait, Katie can't scream -- that's against Scientology protocol. Were Brooke and Katie able to hold their babies at the same time? Nope. Brooke is probably nestled up with her youngin', while Katie's unbathed baby has to be wrapped tightly and left alone for a day or so, according to Scientology rules. Breastfeeding is also frowned upon.
But now that the TomKitten has popped, I can't wait for the Brangelina babe to arrive. Seriously, with all these celebrity bundles of joy (Apple, Moses, Barron, Sean Preston, Grier and Suri) it's going to make for a very interesting 21st century. I predict that Brangelina will have a boy and unlike the other celebrity showoffs, they'll name him something common, like Eddie. (yeah, right)
By 2026, Suri will write a tell-all book where she reveals that her real father is Chris Klein and Tom planned his coupledom with Katie to resurrect both their careers. Eddie will be a handsome rock star with thick lips and long hair. He'll sleep with tons of women, but folks will question his relationship with his adopted sister, Zahara, after he passionately kisses her at an awards show. What a chip off the old block! Sean Preston will try to have a career in gangsta rap, but that will fail once fans learn that he faked a shooting in order to get street cred. Katie will come to her senses and the TomKat will fizzle. Brangelina will be constantly on again, off again as they continue to get pregnant and adopt children from around the world. Barron will be a slacker whose father keeps firing him and the bankrupt Michael Jackson will send resumes to Disney World, Hershey Park and Sesame Place.
It should be interesting, I hope I'm around to see it.
(photo courtesy of http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,1658,5141810,00.jpg)