Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Quiet Storm (or All My Single Ladies ...)

When news spread that my region was going to be hit with a record-breaking storm, everyone crowded their grocery stores, gas stations and prepared to lock themselves in with the bare necessities. God forbid you be trapped inside without toilet paper. Or eggs. Or popcorn. Or movies.

But then an even bigger fear arises – what are you going to do, if you are trapped inside *gasp* ALONE??

A few people asked me what I’d do during this period, since I live alone. Was I going to stay with my parents, establish a bunker with some friends? How would I survive? Just fine, thank you very much. And here’s how you can too.

So, All My Single Ladies, listen up. Here’s how you to can make the best of being inside by your lonesome as the Snowtorius B.I.G. knocks on your door:

-Remember the important things:
Look around and realize that you have everything that you need right there, most importantly, POWER. That means you can blast Sade, Corinne Bailey Rae, your Bob Marley 3-disc collection as loud and as often as you want. Who’s gonna complain? Let’s face it, your neighbors are too busy shoveling, having sex, beating the hell out of their kids, or screaming at each other to worry about the noise you’re making.

-Shovel, girl. Shovel: The first day of the storm it was myself and two other women shoveling ourselves out of our parking spaces. Mr. Bad Element walked by several times to tell us we were doing it wrong, that it would take forever and to make fun of our shovel technique. Yet by the time he returned from the liquor store, he and his drunken entourage of delinquents marveled at how much I cleared off of my space while their cars remained immersed in the white stuff. Yeah, my back, leg, arm and a region in my left hip/lower back/butt cheek are sore, but Mr. Bad Element was shamed, and that's all that matters.

-Never forget that you’re a lady: That’s my golden rule. No matter how much snow has fallen, I have remained true to my fashion plate status. On my first day of working from home, I was dressed in what I call my sexy outfit. I’m talking about my wife beater (I know I shouldn’t use that term, but you’ll just have to forgive me. I have cabin fever), blue leggings and white head rag. I showered, then switched it up to my Detroit t-shirt, BLACK leggings and RED head rag. Today, day two of working from home, I’m wearing gray sweatpants, a fuschia cami and NO head rag. Gotta keep it interesting. And sexy. Also, remember to shower and/or bathe often. You’re only as good as your last stick of deodorant.

-Don’t crack under pressure: After days of being indoors and only being able to socialize with your neighbor – and your cat, who may or may not be tired of you, depending on his mood –you may feel the heebie jeebies settle in. Just the other day, I was in my bed trying to get my beloved pet to play with me, but he just sat there and stared. I was hurt. I put on my glasses and realized that I hadn’t been talking to a cat, but a box! Which leads me to my final point ….

-Never let the snow turn you into a slob: Seriously. If the laundry must pile up, keep it in the hamper. Don’t spread it out on the floor into intricate piles that you intend on handling. Those clothes you plan on sending to the Salvation Army? Pack em up, don’t leave them on the floor simply because you paid way too much for that coat you boat in the ‘90s. That’s not vintage, bitch!

*Steps off of soapbox*

I hope my guidelines help. And rest assured, this epic blizzard will be over soon, despite *gulp* a forecast of even more snow this weekend. In the meantime, I’ll leave you all with the same desperate plea I shouted to my mother after she left me for my first day of day care: “GET ME OUTTA THIS DAMN PLACE!!!” Hopefully you all won’t give me the whoopin that she did.

Photo from


tbyrd77 said...

I love it! Especially the outfit changes. I'm trapped with the fam and my mom is alarmed that I've worn pretty much the same 2 outfits the entire time (pajamas and robe or the snow shoveling outfit) Today (or was that yesterday?) she pulled out old sweatshirts etc and begged me to wear something else.

tbyrd77 said...

oh yeah, and I will go outside in my pajamas, robe and boots. I'm sure the neighbors are loving every minute of my madness.

Diasporique said...

We just got about an inch or two of snow out here and since the city is fairly small, we're "snowed in". Normally this wouldn't be a problem except that I'm running out of my favorite cookies and yummy muesli yogurt.

I've been in my pj's and slippers all day, too. :ol